Last Updated Monday, May 31, 2004

Motorcycle Humor

Here's a plethora of funny items generally associated with motorcycling or OHVs.  We like a good laugh and a good joke, and some of these range from clean, to risqué, to downright raunchy, so if you think you'll be easily offended, don't go any further - leave now!  You've been forewarned!  

If you know of any humorous things related to motorcycling that we should add, please email it to us and we'll be glad to post it.

Pictures:             page: 1  2  3  4  

Click to see montanasatnight.jpg
Montana Saturday Night
Click to see MyNewQuad.jpg
Big Quad
Click to see MTNBIKE.jpg
Interesting seat!
Click to see TexasTricycle.jpg
Click to see SIGN_HERE.jpg

Click to see tshirt09.jpg
Click to see RidingKitty.jpg
Riding Kitty
Click to see unicycle_biker.jpg
Unicycle biker in drag
Click to see bike3.jpg
Anything for attention
Click to see helmet.jpg
Would you wear this helmet?
Click to see brake_test.jpg
Taken at the world trials in Goldendale, WA, 2001
Click to see Hillbillymotorcycl1.jpg
Hillbilly Motorcycle
Click to see bigbike.jpg
A BIG bike!
Click to see bikecanbeusedfor.jpg
Bed Bike
Click to see largewheely.jpg
Too much weight and HP!
Click to see parisdakar.jpg
A wrong turn at Paris-Dakar Rally
Click to see wheelie.jpg
Surprise wheely!
Click to see Bauer_moon_Hannah.jpg
Classic shot of Steve Bauer mooning  Bob Hannah - 70's vintage
Click to see OklahomaBikers.jpg

Oklahoma Bikers
Click to see his and her bikes.jpg

His and hers bikes
Click to see punkerbike.jpg

Punker hot rod
Click to see scooter.jpg
Senior Scooter
Click here for Harley test drive!

Movies: (You may need Quicktime, RealPlayer or Windows Media Player to view some of these)

Snowmobile flip! 1.7Mb Nice victory-wheely save by Max Biaggi! 1.1Mb Pull up! 1.5Mb Stand up on the pegs! 527Kb
Another Darwin Award entry? 413Kb High-speed wobble! 2.3Mb 250GP start wheely! 826Kb  As close to a high side as you can get! 482Kb
Should have landed on back wheel? 1Mb Wheelying on pavement hurts! 2.5Mb Looped out! 2.1Mb Classic endo! 720Kb
Looped out again! 1Mb Careful of who you let ride behind you!  454Kb Bunnyman klutzes out 835Kb Freestyle 360 Loop 166Kb
Mr. Popular 815Kb Always happens when you're showing off  3.2Mb    
Barkbusters wouldn't help! 1.4Mb Tankslapper! 321Kb Nasty dirt track crash 2.6Mb Makes my knees hurt! 2.3Mb
Careful who rides behind you! 820Kb Travis Pastrana at X-Games 3.7Mb Dashboard wheely 1.8Mb Close one! 707Kb


Trains, Cycles and Horses: While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.

Classic Cycle Joke:  A young man bought the fastest motorcycle that money could buy: a Yamaondason 2000 SP 8.2. It was the most expensive bike in the world, costing $32,150.99.  

The first day he bought the new bike he took it for a spin. While doing so he stopped at a red light at the city limits. An elderly gentleman pulled up next to him on a moped. The man looked over at the bright, red, shiny, sleek new motorcycle and asked, "What kind of scooter ya got there, sonny?"

The young man replied, "It's a Yamaondason 2000 SP 8.2. It costs $32,150.99 out the door."

"That's a lot of money," said the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this bike can go 200 mph!" exclaimed the young man.

The old fella asked, "Can I take a closer look at it?"

"Sure," replied the new owner.

From his moped, the old man leaned over and took a good look at the very fast-looking machine. Just then the light changed, so the young man decided to show the old guy what his new motorcycle could really do. He gave it full throttle and within 30 seconds the speedometer read 199 mph.

Suddenly, he noticed a dot in his rear-view mirror. It seemed to be getting closer! He slowed a little to see what it could be, and, suddenly, WHHHOOOSSSHHH, something whipped passed him going much faster. "What could be faster than my 2000 SP 8.2?" the young man thought to himself. Then, just ahead of him, he saw the dot coming back at him. WHHHOOOSSSHHH! It went flying by him again, going in the opposite direction! It almost looked like the elderly man on the moped! How could that be, thought the young man. Again he saw the dot in his mirror!

 WHHHOOOSSSHHH! KABBBLAMMM! The moped slammed into the rear of the shiny new 2000 SP 8.2, demolishing the rear end of the young rider's pride and joy.

The young man jumped off and saw it was the old timer. Of course the moped was crushed, and the old man was lying on the ground, pretty beat up. The young man ran over to him and asked, "Are you hurt? Is there anything I can do for you?

The old man groaned and replied, "Yes, would you please unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror?"

The New Harley and Dishes:     This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer and he picks out the perfect bike. While getting all the paperwork together, the dealer tells him about an old biker-trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves. 
     A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She wants him to meet her parents so she asks him to come to dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents' house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.  They enter and the young man notices there are dirty dishes everywhere in the kitchen and living room, so he makes a note to not say a word.
     After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up. He reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table.
     They have even wilder sex. No one says a word. He is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline. 
     The father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"

Mechanic/Surgeon:   A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop.  The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.  The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.  The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix 'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and  whispered to the mechanic...  "Try doing it with the engine running!”

Vacationing Flea: A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.  "Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.

"I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here by motorcycle.  I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.

"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders.  "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride.  Got it?"

So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.

"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said.  I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."

"And so?" asked the first flea.

"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!"

Click to see HDSprint.jpgImportant news!  Hang on to that Sprint!

It seems that recent investigations have shown that the Harley-Davidson Sprint (Aermacchi) has what many consider to be ideal dimensions for an off-road motorcycle.  Investors are being sought to start manufacturing this motorcycle again to meet the demands of today's off-road enthusiast. Current plans are to put a revitalized and updated model (see attached photo) into production as well as kits to retrofit models back to 1962.  (I could not find any word on the cost.)  Also, plans are well under way for a 'Dakar team for 2001.  145 former employees have been located (with the aid of the Italian census bureau) and have been forced...asked to form the necessary support teams that will line the course (an estimated 243 such teams will be needed.)  Negotiations are still under way to find a rider for the effort.  Currently, hopes are riding (sorry for the pun) on Guiseppe Idota, a 79 year old former Aermacchi test rider who was located (after much searching) in a Florence retirement home.  He seems quite eager for the opportunity.  "The last 30 years are pretty fuzzy for him," said an Aermacchi spokesman "but he remembers the 1960's like it was yesterday.  We think that will mean his riding skills are still sharp."   I will let you know more as this exciting story develops!

Arthur Davidson in Heaven:  Arthur Davidson, of Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.  At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is this; you can hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.  Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"  God said, "Ah, yes."   "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: 
1.  There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2.  It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3.  Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. 
4.  The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. 
5.  The maintenance costs are outrageous." 
"Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God.  "Hold on."  God went to his Celestial Super Computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.  The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.  "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,"  God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours...."!

Riding tips: Lafferty's secret to Enduro riding: Zero every check, never break down and the rest will fall into place.

Contrary to the popular notion, the best way to dry off a freshly washed bike is not with a 5th gear glory blast down a sudsy dark alley.

Regular maintenance is the key to reliability; irregular maintenance is the key to great exercise.

The 3-percent rule: If you want to go faster, ride with people who are 3-percent faster than you.

The other 3-percent rule: If you want to have fun, ride with people who are 3-percent slower than you.

You've got to finish to win. Of course, you've got to be fast to win too, otherwise everybody would be doing it.

There is no physical training regimen so strict that it can't be undermined by a rigorous program of deferred motorcycle maintenance.

There are old racers and there are bold racers, but there are no old, bold racers who don't walk funny.

Patience is a virtue of many racers. Unfortunately, it's also a virtue of a lot of losers.

The wise racer only pisses off the people he can beat.

The secret of successful race tuning is knowing when to start riding and stop tuning.

If you're going to pray, pray for FACTORY intervention. Divine intervention isn't much use, since the guy upstairs isn't really all that up on the proper set-up.

You can't 2 ½ a triple. At least not a second time.

Webb's first law of sportsmanship: A man never stands so tall as when he stoops to let the air out of a competitor's tire.

Never underestimate the power of good old-fashioned intimidation.

The race goes to the swift. But sometimes none of them show up, and the rest of us have a shot at it.

The more complete your on-board tool-kit, the more likely it is that all your trail riding buddies will expect you to fix everything that breaks on their bikes.

A good rider can overcome marginal equipment. However, even the best equipment can't overcome a marginal rider.

Ruts are like side-panel screws: just when you think you're in the right groove, you get cross-threaded.

To determine the proper approach velocity to a double jump, multiply the required distance in feet by the number of spectators present in the landing zone and convert to mph. Adjust to taste.

Blood in your stool is nature's way of suggesting that you rethink your spring rates.

Be a pal and offer to clean your buddy's air filter before that big Sunday ride. Full-coverage grease: the Great Equalizer.

Brain-teaser: In an off-road race, spectators typically gather around... A: safe, predictable sections that allow plenty of safe show-boating for the crowd.  B: open, unmarked mine shafts.

There are places on Earth that ATV's simply won't fit. Unfortunately, ATV riders aren't aware of this.

Gravity intensifies with the installation of new levers.

You only have one chance to make a first-turn impression.

LaPorte's Law: Any restaurant that won't let you in wearing a clean FMF t-shirt doesn't deserve your patronage.

Careful maintenance and preparation is critical to making your playbike reliable enough to tow your buddy's rat bike to the truck every weekend.

Winning tuners never have "left over" parts.

Bad Weather:  There's a fellow who is an avid rider. Actually he's a motorcycle fanatic. He has not missed a weekend of motorcycle riding in years. Every Saturday and Sunday morning he gets up very early and goes meets his buddies for a nice long ride.  On this one morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his riding gear out of the closet, and goes out to the garage to prepare to leave. While out there it started raining a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and  the wind is blowing at 30 mph. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the Weather Channel. From there he finds it's going to be bad weather all day long. So he puts his bike back into the garage and comes back inside.   He quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out riding his bike today?"

If Motorcycles Were Like Computers

1. For no reason whatsoever your bike would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they put new trail markings up, you would have to buy a new bike.

3. Occasionally your bike would die on an uphill for no reason, and you would accept this, restart and ride on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your bike to shut down and refuse to start, in which case you have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a bike that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to ride, but it would only run on five percent of the trails/roads.

6. On street bikes, only one person at a time could use the bike, unless you bought "Bike95" or "BikeNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.

7. The bike would say "Are you sure?" before applying the brakes.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your bike would refuse to run until you simultaneously grabbed the plug wire, held the rear valve stem, and used the kickstarter.

9. Yamaha would require all buyers to purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally Topographical maps (now a Yamaha subsidiary), even though they neither needed nor wanted them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the bike's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, Yamaha would become the target of investigation by the Justice Dept.

10. Every time Yamaha would introduce a new model, buyers would have to learn to ride all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old bike.

11. You'd press the "Start" button to shut off the engine.

12. On street bikes, the speedometer and tachometer would be replaced by an icon that comes on when the bike is running.

Bear, Rabbit & Genie: There was this bear and rabbit in the woods. The bear was beating up this rabbit something fierce. He was throwing the rabbit, stomping on his head, kicking him up into the air, etc..   As they were fighting, the bear  kicked over a lamp and out popped a genie.  The genie said, "I will give each of you three wishes."

The bear said, "I want all bears in this forest to be female." Ok, poof, it was done by the genie.

The rabbit said, "I want a motorcycle helmet." Ok, poof, it was done by the genie.

The bear said, "For my second wish, I want all the bears in that forest over there to be female also." Ok, poof, it was done by the genie.

The rabbit said, "For my second wish, I want a Suzuki Hayabusa." Ok, poof, it was done by the genie.

The bear said, "For my final wish, I want all the bears in all the forests to be female." Ok, poof, it was done by the genie.

The rabbit, while wearing his new helmet and sitting on his new motorcycle, revved the engine and said, "For my last wish, I want that bear to be gay."  Ok, poof, it was done by the genie.
Designated Driver?   A cop is staking out the Killarney Hotel for bikers riding drunk. At closing time, he sees a biker stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets on the bike, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and rides off.  When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, "How is this possible?" 

The guy laughs and says, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Q: What's the difference between a Harley-Davidson and a vacuum cleaner?

A: The location of the dirt bag!

Q: What's the difference between a dog on the back porch whining and your wife on the front porch whining about your motorcycle?

A: When you let them in, the dog stops whining!

Q: What do German shepherds and Harleys have in common?

A: They both like to ride in the back of trucks.

Motorcycles are better  than women because....

If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.

Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.

Motorcycles last longer.

Motorcycles don't have parents.

Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.

You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.

If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.

Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.

When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.

Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.

If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.

You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.

You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.

If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.

Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.

Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.

Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.

Motorcycles don't care if you are late.

It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.

If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

Motorcycles don't mind you wearing your boots while riding.

Motorcycles don't mind you leaving them with other strange motorcycles.

If your motorcycle isn't working, you can always borrow your friend's.

Your motorcycle doesn't complain when riding in the back of the truck.

Motorcycles are recyclable and ozone friendly.

Your motorcycle still looks the same after two beers.

When you get sick of your Motorcycle, you can sell it.

Motorcycles always trust you - no matter what.

You don't mind if others love your motorcycle, too.

You don't mind if others want to ride your motorcycle.

You don't have to pay alimony/child support to your ex-motorcycle.

When you spend money on your motorcycle to improve its looks, it works.

Motorcycles don't look any different in the morning.

Your motorcycle doesn't care if you leave the seat up.

If you throw enough money at a motorcycle you can eventually fix it. 

Women are better than motorcycles because....

A good woman maintains herself.

A good woman can help you get more motorcycles.

After a good ride a woman will kiss you.

A woman is easier to carry over the threshold.

Most places don't require you wear a helmet when riding a woman.

Both respond to loving attention.

A woman can love you back.

Both can leave you cold, stranded and broke.

Women can be fun in any kind of weather.

Holding on too tight to either one will cause you problems.

A good woman can pay for her own accessories.

You should be a skilled expert before attempting internal modifications to either one.

It's more dangerous to let your motorcycle take you home after a few beers. 

A motorcycle can only take you to the beer, a woman can bring the beer to you. 

Both come in models that may exceed your abilities.

Both can cause your heart to pound, and make you sweat and shake.

Your parents may disapprove of either.

When a woman tips over she can usually pick herself back up.

When a woman is leaking she will usually stop on her own.

Riding a motorcycle inside the house tears up the carpets.

I can't live without either one.

   page: 1  2  3  4